Today I had to call out. I am typically good at putting on a brave face and getting myself to work. With my multiple surgeries over the past few years, I only took off the actual surgery day, and sometimes the day after, and was right back to working full time, teleworking if I had to. But today? I had to call out.
I’ve had a rough few days with my joints- could be the weather, stress, something I ate, or the simple fact that Rheumatoid Arthritis is a bully of a disease and will ultimately get its way.
I feel like I failed. I feel angry. Disappointed. Isolated.
But mostly, I feel weak. I feel owned by my body and the diseases that plague it. The physical pain has slowed me today- I don’t feel mentally sharp, I feel emotional.
And I don’t like it.
But have my years of pushing forward despite my illnesses, given me an irrational view of “success”? So much so that needing to take a day to rest makes me feel like I’ve thrown in the towel on working forever?
Society shows “normal” people taking DayQuil to get to that important meeting and taking energy shots to get everything on their list checked off.
Even the latest Enbrel commercial shows a child who “gets his Mom back” after she starts taking the medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis. My daughter watched that commercial and asked me if I’ve ever tried Enbrel (yes).
I try to show the good and bad of my diseases- the injections, the gym triumphs. But I need to do a better job. I need to show days like today- a day where I called out of work and have not moved from the couch or eaten a single thing. Because if someone out there is “pushing through” because they’ve seen my feeds, then I’m doing a disservice to them, my disease communities, and more importantly, myself.
So yes, sure, I failed today. I failed to push myself to go to work despite horrible pain and stiffness. I failed to hold back my tears and act like everything was fine.