I get emotional after my methotrexate and Enbrel injections. Sure they hurt but this is after the pain has subsided. The tears come. I took the time this morning to think about why I get so teary.
Type 1 Diabetes is real for me almost every minute of the day. I don’t have periods of coping, I’m on insulin, via a pump, attached to me 24/7. Sure a high or low might rock me for a moment but I’ve had the disease for over 27 years and I’ve come to terms with it. Does it suck? I guess. But in the big scope of life, it’s manageable. Bolusing for meals is second nature…I often don’t have to think about setting up a temp basal if I’m trending low. I just do it.
Rheumatoid Arthritis is different. It isn’t a quiet disease. There is pain that brings me to tears, makes me truly want to give up. Pain wakes me at night, makes it difficult to drive. Fatigue hits me like a wrecking ball, I truly believe I could lay down anywhere, at any time, and sleep.
Taking my weekly injections are a reminder that my disease is winning. Seventeen injections of Enbrel and things aren’t even predictable or controlled yet. Adding methotrexate back in is a gamble. I could easily get an infection (as I have before) and I have a guaranteed weekend of fatigue and nausea.
I cry after my injections because it’s a moment where I don’t have control. I can’t take these drugs and get immediate results like I do with insulin. I take them and hope that this is the week I’ll feel amazing, I’ll feel something. And the honest truth is, deep down, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. This jerk of a disease will somehow always manage to come out on top.