I’ve been having horrible knee pain for the past few months and saw a new orthopedist last week for a consultation after my rheumatologist had ordered an MRI. After examining me, my doctor noticed pain in my hip and limited movement so he ordered another MRI. Today I went back for those results.
The good news- no tears as originally suspected. No immediate reason to look at anything from a surgical standpoint. The not so good news- I have multiple erosions on my hip.
I know I have moderate-severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. That’s not news to me. I was diagnosed almost exactly 4 years ago and although I briefly had what I consider remission to be (9 months), I haven’t gotten much of a break since. Finding out that my hip isn’t looking so great, felt like a slap to the face. It felt like all of my hard work- all of the pain, the fatigue, the injections, the nausea, the pills…everything, meant nothing.
I pride myself on being positive. I shrug off worry from others. But it’s hard to fight this fight every day. It’s hard to go to battle for a fight you’ll never win. Never. Remission? I don’t think it’s possible for me anymore. And the thing is, if for some reason my disease activity disappears, my permanent damage that causes daily pain, won’t. That isn’t going anywhere. I can honestly say that I will never experience a day without pain, without the help of controlled prescription medications. That’s a heavy thought for me.
So after mentally beating myself up all night..after unsuccessfully trying to psych myself up and say “it’s going to be ok”. I came across this quote on Instagram. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
It’s ok to be scared and tired and angry. It’s ok to cry. I know I’m doing the best I can and for tonight, that has to be enough.