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I’m still a good mom

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It’s 12:30am and I just woke up to find my 13, almost 14, year old daughter sound asleep next to me. This rarely happens but when it does, it either means she couldn’t fall asleep or she’s had a really rough day. Whatever the reason may be, it means the world to me.

Waking up to see her ponytail on the pillow next to me means that just maybe I’m doing an ok job. Continue reading

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Be Gentle

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I’ve been having horrible knee pain for the past few months and saw a new orthopedist last week for a consultation after my rheumatologist had ordered an MRI. After examining me, my doctor noticed pain in my hip and limited movement so he ordered another MRI. Today I went back for those results.

The good news- no tears as originally suspected. No immediate reason to look at anything from a surgical standpoint. The not so good news- I have multiple erosions on my hip.

I know I have moderate-severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. That’s not news to me. I was diagnosed almost exactly 4 years ago and although I briefly had what I consider remission to be (9 months), I haven’t gotten much of a break since. Finding out that my hip isn’t looking so great, felt like a slap to the face. It felt like all of my hard work- all of the pain, the fatigue, the injections, the nausea, the pills…everything, meant nothing.

I pride myself on being positive. I shrug off worry from others. But it’s hard to fight this fight every day. It’s hard to go to battle for a fight you’ll never win. Never. Remission? I don’t think it’s possible for me anymore. And the thing is, if for some reason my disease activity disappears, my permanent damage that causes daily pain, won’t. That isn’t going anywhere. I can honestly say that I will never experience a day without pain, without the help of controlled prescription medications. That’s a heavy thought for me.

So after mentally beating myself up all night..after unsuccessfully trying to psych myself up and say “it’s going to be ok”. I came across this quote on Instagram. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

It’s ok to be scared and tired and angry. It’s ok to cry. I know I’m doing the best I can and for tonight, that has to be enough.