My system (used here to reference my entire being- mind, body, and soul) is a mess. It’s as if my body and mind are two separate organisms who used to be friends but now barely utter a “hello” when they see each other.
I find myself constantly tiptoeing around, afraid to set off the bad temper my body has. I slowly get dressed, pulling on compression socks in slow motion as to not upset my already very sensitive leg muscles. I sleep in compression tights in hopes of not waking up in serious pain throughout the night.
I snack on pretzels all day long, starting early in the morning as I drive to work. I try to have something salty in my stomach in hopes that I won’t find myself vomiting, seemingly out of nowhere. I chug electrolyte enhanced water, even when I’m not thirsty at all, to try to appease my body and it’s abnormal sodium need.
My mind gets angry when my continuous glucose monitor beeps incessantly while I’m trying to sleep. My blood sugars are rising and falling without much warning lately.
The unpredictable nature of my body lately, especially the violent vomiting, has my mind feeling so many emotions. I’m fearful of the intense pain that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m nervous that I could vomit in the middle of the grocery store, without warning, especially since I just got quite ill at work and am still embarrassed. I’m frustrated that others take their good health for granted. I’m sad that this is the body I’ve been dealt with.
But I’m also proud. I’m proud that I am still working full time with additional advocacy work on the side. I’m proud that because of my illnesses, I’m raising two very empathetic children who understand that a lot of diseases are invisible. I’m proud that despite the pain and vomiting, I still make myself go to the gym a few days a week for a pretty intense workout. I’m proud that I’ve created this outlet to share my life so I can connect with others and show them that they are never alone in the battle with their own body.